It’s a trending reel on Instagram. I had thought of jumping into that healing method as well but never got around to doing so. The ‘miss her’ part is often substituted by heaves of silent sighs. Macam ada feeling tak complete although when I try to remember back, I don’t really talk to my mom that often when she was alive. I was just never the talking about my life type. Even then, Alhamdulillah, Allah bestowed upon me a daughter.
She is a charm. She seems to have a high degree of emotional intelligence for a child that surprises me sometimes. She would ask me if I was Ok. If I was happy? I mean, what kind of child asks an adult those sorts of questions. I know my son doesn’t and he is in primary school. My kids are my world. My daughter especially. If anything happens to her, I think I would hit rock bottom.
Today, I finally got around to cleaning the guest room. We haven’t been receiving guests for a very long time since Covid19 struck. The room had that abandoned, musty smell. I opened the windows to air it out. Hoovered the floor and changed the bedsheets. Then, I saw something on the dresser and was automatically brought to tears.
It was my mom’s crystal bracelet.
It’s been in that room for god knows how long and if I didn’t clean it, I’d probably not know that it was there all this time. A piece of her. To keep. I had to take a moment to calm myself down when I found the bracelet. I thought I’ve passed the time where one would be missing their loved ones deeply but it seems that I haven’t. Instead, I realized that I have always missed her and those feelings are suppressed by the stress at work and the busyness in managing the household.
Grief is love with nowhere to go
I asked my sister if it was OK for me to keep the bracelet. In case she loved the design. She said I could keep it. I couldn’t really explain that feeling of comfort I have when I wear the bracelet. At least bila tak dapat ziarah kubur, I have this bracelet sebagai pengubat rindu.