Auditing your own marriage

Once in a while, I come across a situation that makes me ponder the quality of my marriage. Effective communication has been an ongoing and recurring issue since we said our vows. It is a difficult habit to break as we walked into this with the usual;

  • He/she is independent and knows what to do
  • He/she would get why I am doing this
  • He/she does not need to know
  • He/she just wants some me time and to be left alone
  • He/she does not need my advice

The thing is, what might be OK before may not be OK now. However, since both parties are stubborn and not willing to sit down and go through the difficult conversation, the best bet is to just go through the days like normal. To be honest, I just do not have the energy to put myself first anymore. I am going to just do my best and entrust things to Allah’s will. I feel that patience is a virtue that I hope will be rewarded in the Hereafter.

Protective factors in my housemanship

Kuala Krai Hospital has been in the news a little too much lately for non-favourable reasons. One is the Peeping Tom doctor and, of recent, a houseman who unalived herself in her hostel room. As someone outside the organisation and the investigating team, I wouldn’t know the exact motivation that drives their actions. What I do know is that this rings an alarm of how organisations should play a proactive role in caring for their employees. Not everyone is bestowed with skills to cope with stressors within the medical faculty.

Indeed, counselling services are available to all levels of professionals working in this setting. But are they accessible? Not really. Even as a houseman, if you are taken ill, you are somehow expected to still turn up unless you can’t move from your bed. It is just a sniffle or a sorethroat, attendance is still expected.

Self-managing your own stress factors is not a skill that you get in one day. Considering the different levels of stress factors, they definitely require more than one method of troubleshooting your coping mechanisms. Combine that with your personality, socio-economic circumstances and organisation support, different people get access to different methods of stress relief.

When I was a houseman in Hospital Umum Sarawak back in 2008 – 2010, my strongest protective factors that prevented me from quitting the job, despite the severe swelling of my legs and lack of sleep, were;

  1. Government scholarship
  2. Parents expectation
  3. Really good friends in every posting

And may I add another overlooked factor that is often ridiculed by those who don’t have it, Resilience. Resilience that was put together by life experiences in childhood and teenage years. Those who lack it would often say, ‘dia senanglah, dia dulu bla bla bla’. Or ‘dia bolehlah buat mcm tu’. Or ‘zaman dan berubah, kalau dulu bolehlah macam ni macam tu‘. Resilience is not stagnant. It grows with time and a person’s willingness to learn. Your resilient past self may not be able to cope with future stress factors if you remain obstinate to live life as you did yesterday. This is because the world is moving very fast. Those who don’t improve themselves are bound to be left behind. This is not to say that all that was in the past is bad or kuno. We still have to remember that history is the building block of the present and the future.

Government scholarship

I was a JPA scholar. I was tied to a 10-year service bond upon graduation. To which, Alhamdulilah, I have completed my dues. I remembered having a few students from my batch who refused to come back after completing their studies. Instead, they stayed behind and pushed ahead to become specialist in their chosen field. I’m not sure how they negotiated their scholarship deals, but I am happy that they have attained success in their ambition. Understandably, Malaysian doctors earn less than their counterparts in developed countries. However, I, who comes from a non-medical family background with what counted as B40 status back then, am tremendously grateful for the opportunity given to step into medical school. Back then, this was almost an impossible dream.

Hence, quitting housemanship is not an option.

Diligence in my studies carved the path to medical school. The JPA scholarship was my stepping stone to earn a place in one. Hence, I served in the MOH well until now. I sucked in all the atrocities of housemanship and medical officer hurdles. Simply because I was grateful for the chance given to improve my family’s circumstances. I was able to give my late mother RM800/ month for her spending money. She was a housewife. I could buy groceries without fear of going over the budget. I get to go on holidays more often than I did during my childhood. Inadvertently, my children could benefit from my salary.

Parents expectation

It makes them proud that, despite their B40 status, they were able to ‘send’ their kid to medical school. I was the eldest daughter, the eldest cousin of my paternal side, the third eldest cousin on my maternal side, first from ‘the village’ to enter medical school. I was the perfect example. There was just no room for failure. I had to make it work.

Making my parents proud was the ultimate thing I could do as a daughter. Is this what they call filial piety? Generations of modern times would probably scoff at this concept. Especially when the world has taken a turn or more toward having greater exposure to champion individualism vs collectivism causes. Everything suddenly becomes toxic. Opposing advice from parents and learned adults is toxic. Stress is toxic. Some couldn’t even differentiate between good stress and bad stress at all. As a well-rounded human being, you have to learn to experience anger, sadness, happiness, etc., in varying levels to build your character and create a healthy emotional baseline for yourself.

Great friends

I met different levels of houseman ‘seniority’ in every posting. You get first posters and final year posters. Each of them carries a different perspective and values in their work, and I felt that it was a great opportunity to learn from them as well. Not just from medical officers and specialists. We get our ‘teas’ from our fellow housemen. For instance, which MO is malignant and which MO can we tag along with ‘feeling safe and less stupid’? What are the prohibited phrases you say in front of the specialists? What would make ‘MO Bedah’ less cranky and all? These are unspoken tips that are passed down from one houseman to another. But only if you choose to work as a team.

Thankfully, I have always had colleagues who help each other out. We watch each other’s backs. My honest advice is to make friends with everybody. It makes you seem like a favourable person, and people would go to great lengths to help you. After all, there is a saying that goes if you ‘mudahkan urusan orang lain, Allah akan mudahkan urusan kita. InsyaAllah’. Stop looking at being nice, receptive and supportive as ‘mengampu’ or ‘dipijak’. It could be a learning opportunity.

We forge friendships, watch movies, go on trips/ holidays ( Bako Island, Semantan Beach, Bali), and eat meals together. As someone who doesn’t take alcohol, eventhough I tag along their ‘clubbing’ activities, I would stay by the side and just watch friends dance horribly while being slightly drunk. And have my glass of Coke. Sometimes we have lunch together at the nearby pondan cafe. Or on our days off, at fancy restaurants – to remind ourselves that we are doctors and we can afford this. Ha ha. We create fun at our workplace too. For example, betting on which TKR patients in our respective teams would ambulate first and be discharged? Hence, everyone would be motivated to encourage our patients to move their limbs. Or which patient farts first, kind of thing.

Mengumpat is also a good activity to do with our friends. Mengumpat dengan hati-hati. It’s a good outlet to vent out your frustrations, madness and everything else under the sun. But please do this with trusted colleagues only. Our mengumpat sessions have the mimic muka, tone of voice, everything.

Until now, I have kept in touch with several friends during my housemanship years. It is nice to see how great (specialists) they have become, despite how nerdy or lousy we all were during houseman times. The innocent mistakes we make, the tiredness and the frustration all become laughable once we’ve completed that phase. Should I splurge their names? Ha ha. Neh, they will reveal themselves as those who ‘once knew Minci’ in due time.

Reproaching as an adult

One of the most difficult things in adulting is to reproach a family member, a friend or a colleague. It is not even scolding. Far from criticising. All this was done out of the public eye. Apparently, it is also a difficult matter among adults to accept advice and criticism in an open manner.

I reproached an individual I consider a friend a few days ago through a trusted third party. Also a friend. I made a decision to do so because I felt she did something wrong, which consequently stirred uneasy feelings among other colleagues at our workplace. Like any other occasion, these ill feelings are not conveyed to her at point-blank. Instead, they are discussed and circulated among a few people. To me, this is unhealthy. Because that was how this wrongdoing reached my knowledge in the first place.

Knowing that the workplace walls have ears, I thought I was right in my approach to make this poorly thought-out behaviour known to the person of interest. Through a middle person, the best friend. For reasons that these actions could be reflected upon and avoided. It is because I feel that in the future, if the same behaviour is carried out, it will bring negative consequences to this individual.

I expressed my points clearly in the WhatsApp message with the hope that the receiving end would understand my point of view and respond appropriately to the message.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. I don’t really know how it played out between them, but suddenly, I am the bad guy. The body language was so obvious that tension filled the air whenever the person of interest and I were in the same room.

This incident made me question my approach. What I thought was an act to ‘save this friend’ backfired instead. I did ponder it for a few days.

I mean, I had this person’s best interest in mind, as she is up for evaluation any time. The supervisor’s input might be influenced by certain people, and that’s quite dangerous if it is motivated by ill-harboured feelings.

I wanted to solve the problem. I thought I went to the correct person for assistance to cushion the aftermath of my advice. Despite the thoughtful measures (or so I thought), it did not turn out well. Consequently, we are just not on speaking terms at the moment. I could sense it. Ha ha.

As an empath, this is quite a hurtful experience. However, this is a learning curve for me. I should have known that I could not help everybody. Or more of, not everybody wants to be helped. And that maybe in certain situations, the best way would just be to turn a blind eye and let the person learn their own lesson.

Not knowing the difference between what is real and AI anymore

We are living in a world where, for the untrained eye, everything looks real. Social media has become a place where it is possible to create AI influencers earning a living by selling lifestyle or products to human consumers. Inevitably, it has resulted in extremes of people. At one extreme end are the people who believe and entrust ChatGPT in every single aspect of their lives. ChatGPT, not Google. At least the latter still requires some critical thinking on the person’s part. With the wide use of AI in a reckless manner, you end up with social media users who trust blindly in the name of technological and modern advancement. They would follow every single thing ChatGPT tells them to. Leaving not many people who would take the trouble to ponder on the information set in front of them and weigh out the facts and bluffs surrounding an issue.

Then there is the other extreme end, where they just refuse to believe anything online. Eventhough it is reputable knowledge.

I suppose it will go back to a time when people look for bloggers again. Maybe. At least in search for a blogger who is relatable to themselves in reality. Someone who still has an ounce of authenticity or genuine traits left in them. I am glad that there are still a few who blog. Dianaishak, for example. It’s nice to read about something else in life beyond mukbang, makan2 and so-called misconceptions about conducting social experiments online.

It may also go back to the time when people preferred to have physical presence instead of online meetings. To see if the person they are meeting is truly flesh and bones. But then, there is always a threat of clones. American social media is hot on these controversies lately, which is interesting to read. I mean, did you see the snippets they have on Joe Biden and Selena Gomez? It was wild! The thought lingers at the back of my mind because I know for sure that science without ethics can thrive with biased support and financial aid. People who want to live forever do exist, you know.

AI is helpful, but it shouldn’t run our lives. I’m just saying.