Category Archives: Ponderings & Personal Development

Love your family, but live for yourself

Posted in Everyday Life, Ponderings & Personal Development by

Once upon a time, there lived a man who tirelessly worked day and night to provide for his family. His dedication enabled him to accumulate significant wealth and purchase luxurious items for his children. With his fortune, he confidently sent his kids to prestigious schools and treated them to incredible holidays. The man believed wholeheartedly that he was doing everything right by shielding them from life’s hardships.

Time has passed, and his children are now adults. Living a sheltered life has shaped their personalities, leading them to perceive many aspects of life as toxic and misaligned with their values. They now view tasks requiring grit and resilience as challenges that push their boundaries, which they mistakenly see as threats to their mental health. Constructive advice from experienced individuals is often dismissed as condescending and disrespectful of their autonomy. Patience and resilience have become uncommon virtues. It would be surprising if they truly grasp the importance of delayed gratification.

Soon, the wealth passed on from the man to his children is depleting. The kids, unaware of the immense effort that went into acquiring this money and these possessions, treat everything as mere pocket change to be squandered or discarded. Gifts of expensive watches are carelessly sold off, houses are up for grabs, and gaming units are auctioned at a bargain. The man reflects, “What’s the point of saving millions in my bank account and working hard day and night, only for my kids to squander it and sell when they need quick cash?” Had he known this earlier, he would have chosen a different path, refusing to sacrifice his own life for such foolish gains.

Witnessing this first-hand made me realise something. I believe there is a Chinese saying that goes ε―ŒδΈθΏ‡δΈ‰δ»£Β (fΓΉ bΓΉ guΓ² sān dΓ i), which literally means “wealth does not pass three generations“. It means that the first generation creates the wealth, the second generation increases the wealth (due to education and building on their parents’ systems and connections), and the third generation- maybe due to decadence or decline- leads to bankruptcy!

While I love my kids, I should teach them how to fish instead of giving them all the fish. It is ok to build on their savings accounts, but keep some of the salary for myself to enjoy as well. I should not withhold myself from the simple joys of life, especially when I can afford it. Go for that movie, buy those pretty jeans and eat that nice steak. Enjoy the coffee and plan for staycations. At the same time, I should teach my kids to be resilient when facing the hard stuff of life.

Recently, I enrolled my daughter in a swimming class. The coaches are Malaysian Chinese. I am fine with that. And I want my daughter to be fine with that too by stepping out of her bubble. Schools have been so segregated nowadays that you hardly see any non-Malay students in Sekolah Kebangsaan. I am hoping that frequent, tiny exposures to people outside her race would make her feel more accustomed to them one day. I understand that learning to swim is already a challenging feat. What’s more, having to learn to communicate with people that you rarely see and interact with daily. I put good faith towards the adults there to help her feel at ease with her lessons and also welcome her into their bubble. It is still a bit hard for her at the moment. She has been saying that she doesn’t want to go, but I am instilling some motivation into her to try her best.

I am teaching her how to fish at the moment. I am not sure if my pep talk is working. She looked like she was holding in her tears. I hope that she can persevere through these 12 weeks of learning and come out as a strong swimmer and with a positive outlook on life.

How to end a relationship

Posted in Ponderings & Personal Development by

Simple. Stop having meals together. Stop celebrating special moments. Relationships require effort. Enjoying food together is one of them.

When you share a meal or a table, you will talk to each other. Or during turbulent moments, you have to brave through the silence. Until someone breaks the ice. If you choose not to participate in a relationship, you eat alone, or you don’t eat at all. Simple, right?

Today is my late mom’s birthday. Before she died, it used to be a time when we, the children, would make time in our busy schedules as young adults to celebrate her. It could be a short weekend lunch at a restaurant or a hotel buffet. Now, it is just a brief moment in our busy lives to pause and recite a doa. The thing is, when we celebrate her birthday, it is not really about her alone. It is also about us coming together as a family to strengthen the relationship as father-son, siblings, mother-son, father-daughter, etc. With her passing, the traditions of celebrating things together somehow died with her. There is still the occasional get-together, but as I’ve mentioned earlier, it takes effort to bring the matter up, discuss and decide on an opening in our life calendar. Guiltily, it is almost always my younger sister, a wonderful mother of 3, an enthusiastic teacher, who is trying to glue all of us together.

So. Yes. That is how we end our relationships between family members, spouses, friends. Stop eating together.

More than meets the eye

Posted in Good Things, Ponderings & Personal Development by

An experienced photographer would probably have a lot to say about this photo. I always appreciate expert opinion. They are experts because they know more. I took this photo on a bright, sunny evening. It looks dark because it is the reflection of the trees on the river surface. Looking at it closely, you could see the ripples of the water. The image is flipped. I had to wait for a few joggers to pass me by before I whipped out my phone and captured this scenery.

It is normal to perceive something as it is. It takes slightly more effort to understand what is happening underneath. Dealing with human behaviour and emotion is notably tough. We can never be sure of what another person means, despite how literal they wish to portray themselves. There is always another layer within them that they are not comfortable showing the world. Yet, we still make an effort to connect because that is what being human is all about. We learn how to navigate the different personas and difficult conversations. With time, we get better at our soft skills. This set of skills is not limited to communication. It entails emotional intelligence, creativity in decision-making, and body language. I believe there is more to learn as we create a better version of ourselves.

Downgraded to being an acquaintance

Posted in All in a days work, Parenting, Family and Relationships, Ponderings & Personal Development by

I was downgraded to being an acquaintance recently. I had my suspicions, but it was only known to me a few hours ago. As disappointing as it seems, it’s one of those life lessons we come across from time to time when relationships fall apart. It’s where human beings remain civil to each other out of work duty but have no obligation to participate in personal social relations. It’s part of adulting.

This is not the first time it happens. But it almost always happens for the same reasons. That is either when personal ideas just do not align with each other or when intentions were misinterpreted. Even then, the autonomy to choose who gets to be part of your life has to be respected. There should be no ill or bitter feelings.

When this experience happened to me the first time, meaning I was cut off, it hurt me really bad. I was confused. And it got me thinking about it for a long time. The scenarios were played out in my head several times. My chest felt heavy. I was wounded. Now, it doesn’t hurt that much because, well, I learned psychology. Ha ha ha. However, I still make dua for my friends and colleagues. My prayers remain for those who still don’t understand. I know differing opinions can stir feelings. It is supposed to. So that if they were in that other person’s shoes one day, they would be able to recall this moment and see that the pain caused by any conflict affects everyone.

A wise person once told me, “We are always a villain in other people’s stories. But we are also heroes in some”. Being human is about embracing the fact that we are a blend of both good and evil qualities. What is good for you may not be good for others. We are not characters in a drama where we play a saint all the time. We have different sides that we show to different people. Depending on how much access they have. In certain situations, sometimes we have to make difficult decisions with the ugly choices we have. This strains relationships. People may think they know our choices, but only we know what dice we have in our hands. Ketidakadilan happens. Grudges surfaces. This is what I call unfortunate consequences. Having said that, casting votes or picking out a lucky name out of a box does not make it equal. Which is why Allah gives us a brain to think and a mouth to speak. So that we could communicate, work out our differences and negotiate some form of dignified solution. When all is said and done, we actually hope for a Shakespeare ending: All’s Well That Ends Well.

Ashik Pangadan’s life is Enough

Posted in Everyday Life, Ponderings & Personal Development by

In a world where leading a luxurious life is deemed successful, you have another world where showcasing a wasatiyyah lifestyle is equally successful. Country life, everyday family life, is slowly creeping into social media as the desired lifestyle. Indeed, I aim for such a lifestyle where wasatiyyah is enough. Of course, going for the occasional overseas trip sounds nice. However, daily living does not need to be aesthetic 24 hours a day.

Ashik Pangadan is quite popular on Threads nowadays for portraying a simple life. Yes, he is a lifestyle vlogger with a manager. It is acknowledged that he earns a living through his media presence. Yet, his life seems attainable. That is to have normal, easy-to-make food on the table, a lovely family, a decent job and the luxury of time to just live life in peace. There’s no pressure to hustle and make your first million in 1 year. He was like this other man I saw on Instagram. An American guy who puts his laptop slowly in his bag and works a regular 9-to-5 job. It was just him driving, working and eating lunch. It was simple. I did not follow his account, but his reels do pop up once in a while. Haven’t seen much of him lately. Maybe it’s because I have been watching too many baking and football videos lately.

Anyway, all of us can have that sort of life, too. The life of having enough. I think I am up to 70% of getting to that state of mind. There are just a few more goals I need to achieve. Mostly finance-related, like loans and stuff. The life of Enough need not be extravagant or packaged in a specific thought. It is ok to have mismatched mugs in the kitchen. A living room that is not Japandi themed. Meals may come from one single pot, served in a free Darlie dish. The wardrobe capsule is not pastel but a mix of black with other colours. That kind of vibe.