An experienced photographer would probably have a lot to say about this photo. I always appreciate expert opinion. They are experts because they know more. I took this photo on a bright, sunny evening. It looks dark because it is the reflection of the trees on the river surface. Looking at it closely, you could see the ripples of the water. The image is flipped. I had to wait for a few joggers to pass me by before I whipped out my phone and captured this scenery.
It is normal to perceive something as it is. It takes slightly more effort to understand what is happening underneath. Dealing with human behaviour and emotion is notably tough. We can never be sure of what another person means, despite how literal they wish to portray themselves. There is always another layer within them that they are not comfortable showing the world. Yet, we still make an effort to connect because that is what being human is all about. We learn how to navigate the different personas and difficult conversations. With time, we get better at our soft skills. This set of skills is not limited to communication. It entails emotional intelligence, creativity in decision-making, and body language. I believe there is more to learn as we create a better version of ourselves.
A couple may still have differing opinions on what is deemed successful or fulfilling despite living under the same roof for so many years. I am aware that my idea of self-actualisation may not be on the same page as my husband’s. It’s fine. He is entitled to his opinion. I just hope that we still get to be in the same book. Better still, in the same chapter with our unique storyline.
COVID-19 taught me about the fragility of life as a human being and the majestic power of our Creator. Just when you thought you’ve got your life put together, an unexpected force decides to come by and shatter everything down. I bet no one even imagined that pilots could lose their jobs and that delivery riders suddenly become important people in your life. People begin to discover the vast capabilities of technology. Lessons could still be taught outside the four walls of the classroom. Healthcare could be delivered over a phone call. Income could be generated using ideas and an internet connection. It was also a turning point when people began to look out for themselves, more than others, under the guise of protecting personal boundaries and mental health.
The face of altruism is changing.
After COVID-19, I began to have thoughts of having an early retirement. This idea became more serious for the last 2 years. There wasn’t a specific moment that accounted to this decision. More like an accumulation of small events that led to me thinking, “is life worth living like this?”. Things like signing the SSPA, increasing work burden, missing relatives wake, missing the kids special awards moments, not joining family holidays etc. Attending to work diligently does not score me extra points or privileges. It is just work but taking annual leaves come with a quota. And we cannot freely leave our consultation room for family related affairs unless someone is terribly sick or dying. It is something I have learned to accept as someone working in the public healthcare services. We live to help others more than ourselves. Or so, I had thought before. Gradually, the thought of putting strangers before myself were slowly dissipating. I still care for my colleagues but not so much for my patients. Patients nowadays never listen to expert advice but remain a coward in owning up to the bad decisions they make in relation to their health. They just want to blame other people for that. SISPAA has become a favourite vocabulary. Yet, we remain quiet. We are not allowed to fight and defend ourselves. We serve the rakyat. Hence, our personal time and sometimes dignity does not fully belong to us.
Lately, I just don’t find medicine fascinating anymore. Whenever a colleague comes across an intriguing case, I’d feign interest. Although to be honest, I don’t really care what the ECG looks like, or if the patient is admitted. I don’t get excited about going to medical courses. I used to be the one searching for weekend conferences to ‘learn more’ about other things. Nowadays, I just try to avoid everything at all cost. Yet I still encourage others to attend. Sometimes I do reflect on this sudden change. Am I actually depressed or am I burnt out? I still turn up for work on time and complete relevant tasks. I still counsel patients and care for them. But I find that I am not as passionate as I was before. Prior to this, I’d get really upset when I see a patient with uncontrolled diabetes. Nowadays, if my advice is dismissed, I don’t really care anymore. Although I couldn’t really say it to their face, my inner self is mumbling ,”then, maybe you should just default the next appointment and just die”. Of course, I get alarmed at myself for having such devilish thoughts. Which is why, before I get less empathetic and lackadaisical in my work performance – aiding death in the process, I should plan my exit.
In short, I wanted OUT.
I am working towards that. My early retirement plan. Initially, it was for 2028. Maybe or maybe, I could bring it forward to 2027.
I was downgraded to being an acquaintance recently. I had my suspicions, but it was only known to me a few hours ago. As disappointing as it seems, it’s one of those life lessons we come across from time to time when relationships fall apart. It’s where human beings remain civil to each other out of work duty but have no obligation to participate in personal social relations. It’s part of adulting.
This is not the first time it happens. But it almost always happens for the same reasons. That is either when personal ideas just do not align with each other or when intentions were misinterpreted. Even then, the autonomy to choose who gets to be part of your life has to be respected. There should be no ill or bitter feelings.
When this experience happened to me the first time, meaning I was cut off, it hurt me really bad. I was confused. And it got me thinking about it for a long time. The scenarios were played out in my head several times. My chest felt heavy. I was wounded. Now, it doesn’t hurt that much because, well, I learned psychology. Ha ha ha. However, I still make dua for my friends and colleagues. My prayers remain for those who still don’t understand. I know differing opinions can stir feelings. It is supposed to. So that if they were in that other person’s shoes one day, they would be able to recall this moment and see that the pain caused by any conflict affects everyone.
A wise person once told me, “We are always a villain in other people’s stories. But we are also heroes in some”. Being human is about embracing the fact that we are a blend of both good and evil qualities. What is good for you may not be good for others. We are not characters in a drama where we play a saint all the time. We have different sides that we show to different people. Depending on how much access they have. In certain situations, sometimes we have to make difficult decisions with the ugly choices we have. This strains relationships. People may think they know our choices, but only we know what dice we have in our hands. Ketidakadilan happens. Grudges surfaces. This is what I call unfortunate consequences. Having said that, casting votes or picking out a lucky name out of a box does not make it equal. Which is why Allah gives us a brain to think and a mouth to speak. So that we could communicate, work out our differences and negotiate some form of dignified solution. When all is said and done, we actually hope for a Shakespeare ending: All’s Well That Ends Well.
In a world where leading a luxurious life is deemed successful, you have another world where showcasing a wasatiyyah lifestyle is equally successful. Country life, everyday family life, is slowly creeping into social media as the desired lifestyle. Indeed, I aim for such a lifestyle where wasatiyyah is enough. Of course, going for the occasional overseas trip sounds nice. However, daily living does not need to be aesthetic 24 hours a day.
Ashik Pangadan is quite popular on Threads nowadays for portraying a simple life. Yes, he is a lifestyle vlogger with a manager. It is acknowledged that he earns a living through his media presence. Yet, his life seems attainable. That is to have normal, easy-to-make food on the table, a lovely family, a decent job and the luxury of time to just live life in peace. There’s no pressure to hustle and make your first million in 1 year. He was like this other man I saw on Instagram. An American guy who puts his laptop slowly in his bag and works a regular 9-to-5 job. It was just him driving, working and eating lunch. It was simple. I did not follow his account, but his reels do pop up once in a while. Haven’t seen much of him lately. Maybe it’s because I have been watching too many baking and football videos lately.
Anyway, all of us can have that sort of life, too. The life of having enough. I think I am up to 70% of getting to that state of mind. There are just a few more goals I need to achieve. Mostly finance-related, like loans and stuff. The life of Enough need not be extravagant or packaged in a specific thought. It is ok to have mismatched mugs in the kitchen. A living room that is not Japandi themed. Meals may come from one single pot, served in a free Darlie dish. The wardrobe capsule is not pastel but a mix of black with other colours. That kind of vibe.
A Threader started a thread prompting ChatGPT to create a room that represents her current state of mind. I did the same, and ChatGPT came up with this.
It seems that my mind could not be represented with only one room. The thought process is all over the place, with a variety of interests and plans for the future. Best represented by the quote at the corner of this picture, ‘too many tabs, too many dreams’. Ha ha. It is horrifyingly true when it comes to the things I want to achieve in the next 5 years. However, pulling myself back down to Earth, I need to shortlist what I aim to do for the next 12 months.
I like to imagine the good things in life. Some may call it angan-angan mat jenin. The thing is, if you visualise it hard enough, it may become true as you put some effort towards the goals. I know I did when I embarked on my medical school journey. The things I have right now, my career and my family, were only dreams a decade ago. Now I am looking into other goals and priorities, with the ultimate objective of self-actualisation. Insya-Allah.
