Category Archives: Ponderings & Personal Development

The ‘out of comfort zone’ effect

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When a parent gets pushed out of their comfort zone, often for self-improvement, the effect of that process usually ripples to their partner and children. Or other dependents like their own elderly parents and all. These effects are rarely addressed and acknowledged as the index person’s focus has always been on how much he/she has grown and achieved success.

No doubt, new challenges may harness grit and resilience in children. However, too much of being out of their comfort zone may induce anxiety and emotional instability, especially in cases where the support to guide them through the new experience is inadequate.

For the past few weeks, my workplace has been hyped with the ongoing and upcoming sports event in conjunction with the celebration of Family Day. Honestly, I am not a sports fan, but because of team spirit, I thought I could contribute to certain games. Participating in a sport requires me to adjust my life schedule and inadvertently, I need to reshuffle my kid’s pickup times from nursery and evening school as well. This disrupts their routine.

My concern with this disruption is that I may forget certain things. The worst scenario that comes to mind is that I would forget to pick up my son from evening school if practice ends late. Or forget that my daughter is still at nursery, those sort of things. Therefore, I made it clear that I was only able to commit to participating in 1 sport for the team. And that the kids will be placed at their grandmother’s house in the afternoon until I come. My kids have also been asking for the past week – ‘will mummy be late today?’ on a daily basis because they too wanted to prepare themselves mentally that I will be late for pickup at their grandmother’s place.

I feel that as an adult who is constantly being pushed out of my comfort zone, it is also my responsibility to cushion the rippling effects on my children. That means very minimal changes to their daily routine. This was also the reason why I felt that being in an LDR with my husband is a better option than having to follow him to a different state as my support system here is stronger and well organized. He will have the opportunity to advance in his career whilst the kids are stable with their education needs and social circle. After all, nowadays we can video call and it is possible for my husband to come back home on a weekly basis. It also gives me, the main parent with the kids, peace of mind if mishaps were to happen because I have a lot of people I can ask for help from here than in the state my husband is deployed to.

LDR pushes me out of my comfort zone too but personally, I find that I respond better to challenges that do not affect my kid’s well-being and routine as opposed to the ones that shift the equilibrium of my family time. In fact, I am growing too as a mother. I find that I have become very outspoken on matters that involved my kid’s well-being. This year alone, I have to be vocal with the headmasters of my son’s school over so-called academic decisions which I felt were ridiculous. The first was about the timetable.

I am that Ibu Murid

The second matter was about the exam schedule of his religious school. I do not wish to elaborate on that part right now because I am still fuming. Gently. Like a pink dragon, harnessing the wrath of minci fury.

Organizations that tend to impose tasks that requires members to be out of their comfort zones must start discussing about . The level of difficulty, the resources to aid the process, and the compromise the person will have to make are compounding factors that will influence the outcome of that challenging tasks. We kid ourselves to think that family is important but how much of that value is incorporated into our work habits? I believe we spend more time at work than at home actually. This is why when it comes to being pushed out of our comfort zones, we refuse to see the effect it has on our children and expect them to just follow along and ‘fit in’. Without a proper plan of action and expectation of how their life will roll in the future.

Kids shouldn’t be ‘unstable’ for an undetermined amount of time. Adults must plan to cushion it out and share the expectations.

Happy Birthday Mummy – AlFatihah

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When mom died, I honestly felt something missing from my life. It feels different and indeed it was missing. You know what is missing?

A mother’s prayer.

The doa she makes after prayers. I mean, don’t we moms always say a prayer for our husband and kids. That they will be protected, that they will gain success, that they will be happy and all..

Yes, I felt that. The doa is not there.

This is not to say that my life was miserable. It’s just that previously it felt that mom is always with me, every step of the way, no matter how bad my life choices can be. And now, it is just me.

._.

Posted in Ponderings & Personal Development by

I read an article recently. About a couple with children. Both with jobs with specific demands. It came to a day when the couple both had urgent tasks to accomplish at work. At different workplaces. This would mean having no one to look after the kids.

The ultimatum was – the husband left for his work. Saying that his work matters more as he earns more. the wife was to stay at home. Regardless, the consequences.

A few hours after he returned from work, the kids were in the living room eating cereal and the wife locked herself in the bedroom. A lot of the comments were saying that the child was childish. Some were saying she is stressed with her job and needs therapy.

My verdict: there is probably more to the story. she hates her husband. very much . most likely forever. and it will be a start to her having her own world in her own brain. Soon enough, she will be unable to tell what is real and what is fantasy. They can still co-exist and co-parent but much of her soul is just not with the family anymore. It’s just being present. Being responsible for the role she chose to play some time ago. . That’s all.

Mat Kilau

Posted in Current Events, Movie, Reviews by

I get why some people would get upset with the representation of some roles in the movie. Despite the villains are referred as ‘the british’ – the distinct ethnic appearance makes this doesnt sit well with some movie goers. Walaupun etnik tu kita anggap sbhgn daripada British. Ntahlah, kalau aku pun akan ada rasa sikit tak best.

So, since this is a fiction story as claimed by the producer/director – maknanya boleh diolah kan dari sejarah sebenar, might as well make all the askar omputih kot. Or from undefined ethnicity. I dunno. Maybe. Sbb Msia multiracial kan. It can be very painful to look at a piece of history (although true) through the current lense that we have in our country. Yang berbilang bangsa dan agama.

– source ; my own facebook

When Mat Kilau was first released, the first group of people who criticised the movie was historians and academicians. They deemed the version by Shamsul Yusof inaccurate to which he and very loyal fans rebutted the claim and said that it was a work of fiction. That the movie was inspired by the story of Mat Kilau. That it is not Mat Kilau’s biography.

Ok. Fair enough.

The movie continued to collect millions of RM and of course attracted more Malaysians to watch it and when we say Malaysians, that means those from various ethnicities. Later, issues with racism arise. While I do not think this is a racist movie, I do feel that the portrayal of villains could be better. As I said, it is painful to watch certain historical events unfold with the multicultural lens that we have now.

The movie kind of stirred an unsettling feeling among our friends who wear a turban. I get it. but Shamsul Yusof said that replacing the troops with those from a different ethnicity would alter history. The problem is you said that it was a work of fiction in the first place. Yang mana satu NIH? Imagine if someone from a non-Malay ethnicity decided to make a movie to ‘increase the self-esteem’ of their own race and depicted Malays as lazy – can you imagine the uproar caused by that? And it’s just a lazy trait which is true for almost every race, only in the movie it happened to be a Malay person. While it is not conflicting with the country’s guideline of ‘bannable’ movies, I am sure that ‘fact’ would not sit well with Malay movie-goers.

And now Mat Kilau is doing the same for our Sikh friends – our gentle warriors. Our friends who prepared vegetarian food to flood victims some time ago. Ingat? An ethnic group in our country who almost always minds their own business and hardly gaduh2 manja with the Malays.

Creating a historical movie in Malaysia is undeniably tricky. Especially when you want to put forward Mat Kilau, whose fight for justice happened before the times when there were things like hak keistimewaan orang Melayu and kontrak sosial. Perhaps this is where the movie producers need to be more creative or our citizens need to be more open to the idea. Tapi to be more open requires tolerance between ethnicities and to be tolerant requires a level of understanding that ‘this is what happened before. it was horrible but it was in the past.

The understanding must come from a standard formula. Anything standard must come from a certain body of authority. So, what is left? Schools. We do not have PLKN. Not everybody goes to BTN.

But our schools are not united. The children of different ethnicities do not mingle with each other unless they go to international schools, private schools or sekolah wawasan. Not many are interested to send their kids to Sekolah Kebangsaan anymore. Because some parents of different ethnicities, they want to maintain their identity and that could only be achieved at sekolah jenis. Understandable but with long-term consequences.

I cannot really predict how this Mat Kilau issue will unfold but I hope it will come to a favourable conclusion. A statement that will allay everybody’s anxiety.

Jangan kita buat orang atas nama seni boleh, tapi bila orang buat kita for the same reason, kita bising.

Good father, lousy husband

Posted in Ponderings & Personal Development by

Disclaimer : not my husband

Just over a year ago, on this date, I came to know the story of a lousy husband. Let’s call him H. That time around, Covid-19 was really bad. People were very scared of it. Anyone who is known to have the disease was immediately quarantined for fear it would infect other people and bring out the worst health complication for the person.

H’s wife, J unfortunately got the disease. Worse still, she was not vaccinated. There was a long queue for the vaccine and her turn had yet to come. What pissed me off was H having the nerve to not allow J to enter their home. His wicked ass packed J’s clothes in a bag and was thrown out the door. J was to sleep at their second home, roughly 20km away. Only that, the house was not furnished with no groceries in the house. Or clean water. Did he expect J to buy them on her own? J was to drive herself there while being ill. Ini ke yang orang panggil sehidup semati? Ini ke yang orang panggil sayang bini?

J drove to her daughter’s house instead, who also has Covid and stayed there. H and J are considered a couple in their 60s. They already have adult children.

The only thing H was concerned about was whether J sanitized the taps at the other house after use. He had no idea J was at their daughter’s house undergoing quarantine together. He did not even think of J having meals to eat, a blanket to cover herself in case it gets cold or if she needed basic necessities like soap to wash.

Having such a lousy husband did make me wonder why J didn’t leave him earlier. In search of a better husband. It also made me realize it is not easy to just walk out of marriage especially when children are at stake. J had put up with a lot of things just so her children could have a father. To her, it would be difficult to raise her children especially when she lacks the qualifications to land a job that would pay good money to do that. So, she remained patient with her kids. It didn’t take long for a decade to grow into 20 years and then into 30 years.

In a way, H was a somewhat doting father but he could be a better husband. His children had a wonderful childhood, he showered them with gifts. He made sure they have a formal education. It was only with time as they grew up that they discovered he wasn’t a great husband to their mom. At this point, I also realized that even if the children become adults, in their parent’s eyes, they are still children and that they do not have to interfere in ‘adult’ things.