Tag Archives: marriage

Polygamy

Posted in Current Events, Ponderings & Personal Development by

We bought our current house back in 2012. Back then, Mr Husband was very diligent in mopping the house, wiping the fans and cleaning the porch. Due to our growing family and added responsibilities, those tasks were not executed frequently anymore but he has shifted his focus into doing the laundry and taking out the trash.

Recently, Mr Husband bought another house roughly 10km away. It was located in a gated residence, definitely bigger than our current abode. He said it could be like a ‘homestay’ or somewhat like our ‘country home’. Which was fine because our life was certainly not built around that house. The kid’s schools and our workplace were quite a distance from it. This explains why I wasn’t that keen to perceive that house as a possible main home. Furthermore, I was bothered by the thought of how I was going to clean the house. To me, it’s alright to clean on your own if you have a single-storey home but once it upgrades into a double or triple-storey house – you need to have helpers for each level. Even if the lady of the house is a housewife!

Why am I talking about a house under the topic of polygamy?

It was because recently a guy who owns a Tesla went viral for his intentions to practice polygamy. Well, he’s already married with his second wife. Perhaps to him, it was something he could afford to do. Perhaps he has not read this Facebook article, the non-religious part of polygamy, of how hard it can be to handle two wives. There have to be two of everything so that each wife could have the same experience. Each wife gets a London trip experience, and each wife gets the same handbag, the same kitchen pantry etc. Tak penat?

Not to mention the jealousy that comes with it. I mean when my husband bought this new house – I got jealous of the house because he spends almost every weekend there. I had to find my own joy by surfing Youtube videos, visiting my sister and strolling at the mall or something to buffer the jealousy. And it’s just a house! In polygamy, that also means two houses to sort out, clean and maintain. Two sets of in-laws with different qualities and needs.

Tesla man is fortunate that his first wife consented to the marriage. If it was up to me, I’d demand for a divorce first. I later learned that after the union, he is promoting a product that is supposed to enhance male performance in séxual relations.😑 Apeda

The Elderly Couple

Posted in All in a days work, Ponderings & Personal Development by

This was a story from my colleague.

It was about an elderly couple in their 60s. They have 4 children throughout their marriage. The husband was saying that his wife was too emotional. My colleague explored further regarding the problem. The wife’s concern stemmed from the feeling of being neglected – his husband was always on the phone. She is a housewife and their children have all grown up, the youngest being 20. She had no close friends and is living far from her family. The husband enjoys scrolling social media, chatting on Whatsapp and tracking his cryptocurrency investments.

Why does this remind me of my parents?

Mom was a housewife with grown-up children. Compared to this lady, Mom could drive and she had money to spend. She did not receive much allowance from her husband (only RM400/month to cover household expenses and herself) but she did get a good amount from me and my sister. Even then, when my brothers started working, this meagre amount of RM400 was nearly halved by the husband on the grounds that there were only 2 of them in the house and that they don’t spend much. I was flabbergasted and thankfully, the KEDEKUT plan was not implemented. Seriouslah.. dgn bini sendiri pun nak kedekut.

Wives don’t ask for much. They just want attention. A kind word. A nice response. An unexpected gift and all. The elderly lady earlier just wanted her husband to eat dinner with her properly without glancing at the phone. Or bring her out for breakfast. A walk at the shopping mall, maybe? He is a pensioner with a lot of time in the world, spend time sikit dengan bini tak boleh?

My mom’s husband was kind of doing the same thing. Always on the phone. When Mom was alive, he preferred working instead of enjoying quiet time with his wife. Now when Mom’s dead, boleh lak suka duduk kat rumah.

I have a feeling that Mom felt neglected due to her spouse thinking that she wouldn’t be able to carry a conversation with him. Conversations about his work, the ministers, politics, Datuk here and there – which explains why his choice of female acquaintance nowadays (since he’s a widow), are ladies that speaks fluent English, with money.. – those women in heels and modern attire. Perhaps marriages of older times were about conveniences. To chase a timeline? To beat the biological clock?

TAWAR HATI

The good thing is the elderly lady that came to my colleague is not tawar hati. She still cries and cares about her husband. She still takes note what her husband thinks about her and all. My mom was already tawar hati. Which is why she began to seek her own happiness. Malays say mencari kebahagiaan sendiri. Going to religious classes, go shopping etc. Her tawar hati has reached a level that if her husband died, she wouldn’t shed a tear. The thing is Allah has His own plans – He invited my mom to Barzakh first.

Perhaps there is good in this after all. And now we siblings are left to attend to her husband’s antiques.

As for the elderly couple, the wife was referred to the counsellor for further exploration of her issues. I hope all ends well for them.

Otto

Posted in Ponderings & Personal Development by

There is this part in the movie that I liked. When Otto was asked about the type of books his wife Sonya used to read, he replied “Her books. I am just not into reading”. But he did build bookcases for Sonya because that was what she liked. He made a kitchen that was suitable for her height. She constructed a lot of stuff around the house.

I once read that although Opposites Attract, the spark will only last a certain amount of time. While you may be intrigued and excited in the beginning to discover and accommodate your differences, there will come a time when there has to be some sort of basic and common understanding between one another. There must at least be a parenting style you guys agree on, a family ritual you hold on to, the social circle you introduce to one another.

Barulah ‘persefahaman’ renews itself and binds the relationship together.
If not, after 10 or 15 years, it is just going to be one of those ‘tak sehaluan, tiada rasa kasih dan sayang antara kita’. Even 10 children could not save the marriage. In the end, you’d just pray that one of you dies first and the one left behind gets to move on how their heart had desired all this while.

Finding a supportive partner is scarce nowadays. My sister told me about her friend a few months ago. Her friend was doing a food business from home selling a dish that she cooks very well and that her friends loved. Once she collected the order, she prepared the meals, did the packing and the delivery herself. Her husband saw her little project but did not once lift a finger to help. He was not even willing to watch over the little kids as his wife was trying to get things done in the kitchen. The wife was puzzled and disappointed with his attitude. She was still able to confront her husband about it and demanded some enlightenment about his behaviour.

His answer was astonishingly simple and UNIVERSAL. Universal meaning THIS WAS NOT THE FIRST TIME I’VE HEARD OF MEN GIVING THIS SAME REASON. It was also the same answer a fellow blogger received from her partner when she was doing a passion project. It goes something like this.

” I do not see the point of putting sweat and labour into this project of yours. You are not getting much out of it. There is no monetary gain out of this apart from the tiredness that comes from it. It is a useless project”.

Well sir/ss, you may have overlooked the part that it was a labour out of love and that it was something that your wife/partner was very happy to get herself involved in. So for people like this, I would usually pray on their behalf that this husband/partner be met with circumstances in the future that will make them think about what they’ve said to their wives/ partner.

This also made me understand why some people choose to confide with other people outside the family. It starts with confiding, it ends with a romantic relationship. Nowadays when I look elderly looking people in a relationship, who are a bit too lovey-dovey, it is almost certain that it is their second or late marriage. Cause ‘original partners’ do not behave like that. If they do, that is one of the most rare form of marriage relationship ever to happen in Malaysia.

Good father, lousy husband

Posted in Ponderings & Personal Development by

Disclaimer : not my husband

Just over a year ago, on this date, I came to know the story of a lousy husband. Let’s call him H. That time around, Covid-19 was really bad. People were very scared of it. Anyone who is known to have the disease was immediately quarantined for fear it would infect other people and bring out the worst health complication for the person.

H’s wife, J unfortunately got the disease. Worse still, she was not vaccinated. There was a long queue for the vaccine and her turn had yet to come. What pissed me off was H having the nerve to not allow J to enter their home. His wicked ass packed J’s clothes in a bag and was thrown out the door. J was to sleep at their second home, roughly 20km away. Only that, the house was not furnished with no groceries in the house. Or clean water. Did he expect J to buy them on her own? J was to drive herself there while being ill. Ini ke yang orang panggil sehidup semati? Ini ke yang orang panggil sayang bini?

J drove to her daughter’s house instead, who also has Covid and stayed there. H and J are considered a couple in their 60s. They already have adult children.

The only thing H was concerned about was whether J sanitized the taps at the other house after use. He had no idea J was at their daughter’s house undergoing quarantine together. He did not even think of J having meals to eat, a blanket to cover herself in case it gets cold or if she needed basic necessities like soap to wash.

Having such a lousy husband did make me wonder why J didn’t leave him earlier. In search of a better husband. It also made me realize it is not easy to just walk out of marriage especially when children are at stake. J had put up with a lot of things just so her children could have a father. To her, it would be difficult to raise her children especially when she lacks the qualifications to land a job that would pay good money to do that. So, she remained patient with her kids. It didn’t take long for a decade to grow into 20 years and then into 30 years.

In a way, H was a somewhat doting father but he could be a better husband. His children had a wonderful childhood, he showered them with gifts. He made sure they have a formal education. It was only with time as they grew up that they discovered he wasn’t a great husband to their mom. At this point, I also realized that even if the children become adults, in their parent’s eyes, they are still children and that they do not have to interfere in ‘adult’ things.

5th anniversary

Posted in Everyday Life by

This relationship with Mr Husband is probably the longest romantic one I’ve had as compared to the other candidates. That’s why we call it marriage. It also means we can fart in each other’s faces like no ones business. This also means I get away with certain things and ideas just because I’m the wife.

I am not going to dispense any advice because usia perkahwinan baru 5thn jagung – I shall leave that to other marriage gurus. I also do not wish to praise my husband because well.. I am sure every other wife too thinks that their husband is the best, the most understanding, a great cook and such.

I learnt one great tip about keeping the marriage going though. And that is to always BEREBUT-REBUT. Berebut to bathe Ee, berebut to bring the rubbish out (lol..seronoklah sangat..), berebut to prepare breakfast, berebut to do the laundry (this I would pretend), berebut to be the best in what we do and try to outperform each other when it comes to work and of course berebut to nourish the other half with love and respect. So far the extreme enthusiasm to berebut is not 100% but hey, the idea is there. Tee heee heee..

Enough with berebut, I too want to narrate my hopes for the coming year of our marriage.

DEAR HUSBAND,

  1. Let’s do another House Mega Project. After all our home is our Jannah. It keeps our friendship alive, we are spending our hard earned money for a good cause and of course it brings out the best in you – your so called interior designing skills.
  2. When you have your semester break, maybe we can travel the world again. I don’t need London. Lombok pun boleh.
  3. Continue to be Redha with my current job description as an ED and Anaes Medical Officer. I understand at times I am sloppy when it comes to housekeeping and home cooked meals (not that you request for a full course meal anyway), or I am late with the laundry and spend my weekends in the hospital because I am oncall. InsyaAllah I will find a way out of this plateau life – in fact if there is a recognized external exam for Anaesthesia I will study and sit for it. jgnlah ada 
  4. Let me indulge in my hobbies – it seems that this time around it is revolving around planners, journals, scrapbooking and such. It will distract me from buying new tudung. Hihi.
  5. Ever consider trying for ‘adik Ee’?

Finally, be my best friend forever. Like ever and ever. Lets grow old together – probably making mistakes too along the way but still be able to laugh about them. cheers to being a team for the past 5 years – sometimes I can’t help being proud of myself for being able to spend my dreams and life with you. And putting up with your sarcasm.